I have a question for you, but that will come later. Right now let me share with you a little about my cardiology appointment today.
8 AM in Boise, still kicking myself for that one. We left at 5 am, and where still late. Only to be told that when we got there we where in the wrong office. LOVELY!!
So we drive to the next hospital. Took maybe 10 minutes. But now we where even more let. Then we had to stand in the huge registration line, when the lady heard how later I was (by then it was 8:45) she bumped me in front of everyone else. Man, talk about evil stares.
So I get there and Dr. Emge's nurse is waiting for me. Apologizing saying they where getting a new secratery cause the one they had was slacking. Yeah I knew that, I didn't get a reminder call, and I went to the wrong hospital. Yeah someone is slacking. But I was glad they apologized.
So she gets me weigh and I turn around and almost walk right into my cardiologist. He look and me was like "HEY!!! you look so good!! How are you?" So me, "thanks I'm good, but having some issues with tachycardia. And theres this pain I want to talk to you about."
So he follows me into the room where the nurse does the vitals. My blood pressure was to high, not good. They where concerned and said they would do it again before I left. They want to keep my blood pressure low, because with a single vent if you blood pressure is "normal" or high, it works your heart just to hard.
So I start telling Emge about the pain. Explaining to him about how when I was in the ER they stopped my heart. A heart attack. When your heart stops, that's a different kind of pain. A pain like no other. And then I began telling him about these recent pains, how they had a hint of the heart attack pain. About the pressure how it went up into my jaw. I told him it was the worst pain I've ever had. I told him how my aunt freaked out over how pale I was.
He said it probably isn't my heart. He then left so they could do the echo. My echo tech was nice. She actually called herself an echo nerd. She would point out things and taught me more and more about my heart. I love learning these things. She told me how excited she was to see me because she did an echo before my last surgery and was happy she could see what its like now, after surgery. She also told me she loved seeing someone my age, because most don't make it this long.
She told me how my heart was amazing, its quite shocking to them sometimes. She told me how I was brought up at ANOTHER (apparently my heart has been brought up a lot, its just that random) conference. Because I have a shockingly big pulmonary sinus. Nothing to worry about. It's just bigger then they've seen before. It's not something people usually see.
That made me smile. Yup that's me, always shocking the Drs!!!
Dr. Emge comes back in and tells me my heart looks amazing the heart function is doing so well. At my last visit he wanted to see me every 6 months for a few years, this time he told me he's so impressed by my heart that we can go to once a year!!
YAY! You don't know how happy that makes me. So then Emge does the normal listen to the heart and checking pulses. And I bring up the pain again. I ask him, what could it be? What should I do? The pain is horrible.
She he then begins pressing down on my incision asking does this hurt? Does this hurt?
OF COURSE IT HURTS!!!! Your pushing down on my bone, pretty hard, thanks for that doc. So he's like its just your muscles. Healing and scar tissue. Don't worry about it.
He then tells me that he's gona talk to Dr. Cadman my pacemaker doc and having him interagate my pacemaker and see if they can find the tachycardia I was talking about. If they can't they will give me an event monitor. I got my blood pressure again it was on the border of normal and high. Not to bad.
And then I got to go home. And in the middle of the hospital entrance I just broke down. Pretty much they are telling me I get to live in pain for the rest of my life.
I'm praying so hard that DR. Cadman see's the tachycardia that I'm talking about. I know it's there!!! I KNOW IT IS!!!! I'VE FELT IT AND I'M NOT LYING!
I'm so tired of everyone looking at me like I'm crazy.
Even if they see it and say other there's really nothing we can do about it. Well okay then!! that doesn't bother me, at least they see it and know I'm not lying. WHY would I lie about my heart anyways???
And so here is my question for you.
Am I doing the right thing?
Last time I had chest pains, before my surgery, I ignored them. I didn't go in cause I didn't want those looks. The ones that say "lier!!!" or the stop complaining little girl looks.
And that turned out to have been the worst possible thing to do. I almost killed myself doing that! So now, when I have the chest pains I get scared. What if it's happening again?? But everytime I go in there is never anything wrong.
Should I just stop? Should I give up? Should I just do the once a year thing and just live through the pain and ignore it, hope it isn't something bad?
My doctor also told me about a patient who reminded him of me. I won't go into details, but he randomly threw out how this man now has a job after his surgery.
WELL OKAY!! Fuck dude I get the picture.
But wheren't you the one pushing for me to get disability? You, and Mom, and everyone else are like no! Dont give up fight for disability.
But I keep getting these little side comments like, you need to get a job, you need to do this, you need to do that, Oh i'm taking care of you!
WELL I'M SORRY!!!
Should I just give up on disability??
Should I just give up on everything?
I'm not sure how much more I can take of this.
Of all the little side comments.