Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Baby Of Mine

--I wrote this post many months ago, But I am trying to switch over all my posts to this blog.--

Dear Baby Of Mine.

Hi there baby. I never had you, I never met you, but you where mine.

You where the hope I felt whenever I wanted to give up. You where the light at the end of the tunnel. You where what made everything worth it. I was striding towards a goal. I had meaning. You where what I thought of when I played dolls. When I played barbies. I dreamed of the day that I would have you. I dreamed of you and many siblings.

And now here we are. I've lost you. I've lost you but I never even got to have you. I had open heart surgery as a baby but I never thought oh maybe I can't have kids. Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid Stupid.... Cause now, here, I just lost the best thing that hasn't happened to me. I've been told by a lot of doctors, that my heart just can't take me having kids. My body just wouldn't be able to handle it. And if I did have my own child, well, you might be born with a heart problem like me. I wouldn't want to do that to you baby. See, even though I never met you, I never got you. I love you more then you think. More then I even knew I could love someone.

Months ago in June 2009, I was trying for you. Oh man did we try for you. He wanted you, sure, but I wanted you even more. And then one day, I wasn't very late. But I had a symptom or two. I didn't want to jinx myself, or disappoint my self or get my hopes up. So I never mentioned it to anyone, anyways, you would of only been a tiny speck. About a month. But then in the shower one after noon it happened. I didn't even feel it happen. I just looked down and there where a lot of clots. And I mean a lot. More clots then I've ever had in my life. I kneelled (sp?) down on the shower floor and tried to stop some of the clots before the got to the drain. I'm not sure what exactly I was looking for. Maybe some sign of you? I don't know. Would you have showed? Would I have been able to see you or where you to tiny? I stared at the clots for a minute more. Not exactly sure what I was looking at anymore. Then as quickly as I knelt down I sprang back up washed my hair and got out of the shower. I don't know what happened that day. I never mentioned it to anyone for a while after. Your daddy was in my bedroom doing something. Oh boy was I glad he didn't join me in the shower that morning. I didn't mention any of this to him.

I explained what happened to my friend and googled it. I believe it was you baby boy. My Shawn David. See I dreamed about you a week or two before. The dream was so real! I saw you, I held you. I felt the love of a mother for her baby! Ill still remember that feeling. I remember putting you in your crib and watching you sleep. I don't think this would have been so hard if it didn't feel so real! It felt so real, and I was having symptoms and I thought maybe it was a sign. But then the clots.

Maybe it wasn't you. Maybe I just wanted you so badly I just made the symptoms up. But honestly. I do believe it was you. I don't care what people say about me anymore. I believe it was you baby.

I had my 6th heart surgery 10 months ago. And before that I was told "NO YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE CHILDREN!!!" My cardiologist thinks it might be possible. But it would be tough on my body, my heart. I would have to have you via C-section. But it could be very dangerous. And then there's the thought, I have a higher chance of having a CHD baby because I myself have a CHD. I don't want to do that to you baby. I love you to much to put you threw what I've been through.

So here I am baby. I'm stuck with 4 options.

1- have my own - which is pretty much out,

2- surrogacy - no one will do that for me, I've asked plus we still have higher CHD chances

3- don't have any kids at all..

4- adoption. which is the most likely case.

But baby of mine. I need to apologize. I dreamed of you for so long. I've loved you for just as long. I never got you and I miss you so much! I think of Aiden's mommy and daddy, and Cora's mommy. I think of all the other parents who have lost children. I can't even begin to imagine what its like.

Baby of mine. I loved you since the very first time I picked up a doll and said I'm gonna be a mommy. But now, you'll never come to be. You'll be staying up in heaven with Jesus, and Cora, and all the others. Or maybe Jesus will decide to send you to another loving family. Which baby boy, is good. I hope they love you as much as I would.

I love you baby boy, this is our last goodbye.

No comments:

Post a Comment