Patience is a Virtue

That I just don't have. Not anymore anyways. I want to say I use to be patient, at one point in time. But I'm just not anymore. I can't be. I would love to be but I just cant. Not anymore. 

I've given up on patience and replaced it with stress, worry, tears, anger. 

I got the call telling me I am most likely going to lose my medicaid, the DAY BEFORE my appointment with the electrophysiologist to decide if I need surgery to fix my pacemaker lead or just wait some more.

Nothing ever seems to go my way. 

I cant just patiently sit and wait for a court date anymore. There is not a day that their isn't some sort of worry. I truly understand why people go crazy and shoot places up. When you need help and no one cares, no one helps, well it begins to look like a very good idea. 

I worry, a lot, I cry, a lot. 

I'm so stressed and so angry I just cant talk to most people anymore. 

It's crossed my mine many times to just yell at people, seriously shut up and look at yourself. You have a good life. But I don't I know they need to vent too.

But honestly though, if I have one more person say to me

"I wish I could get food stamps"
"I wish I didn't have to work"

I honestly might shoot them. 

Do you honestly think this is how I wanted my life?

Do you honestly think I like not being able to work? Not being able to support myself?

Seriously now people! This just truly sucks. It's not what I wanted! Feeling bad all the time, relying on others all the time. I'm not a lazy person who just doesn't care, who is willing to be taken care of by others.

I am sick. I have half a heart, I will need a heart transplant, I am in pain daily. And it kills me knowing others have to pay my way.

I've tried to do things to pass the time. My mom bought be a bunch of new books to read, and no matter how good they are, I just cant sit forever and read. There always comes a point where the worry and the pain, It all comes rushing back 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to be okay. I don't know how to stop the worry  the pain, the guilt, the fear.