I'll Never Be Whole

And I'm okay with that.

I had a discussion tonight with a fellow CHDer who thought I had a bad attitude. Tempers flew and we each got a little pissy. I also found I enjoy pissing people off a little to much and might need anger management. But I digress.

Before I go on to tell you why I don't have a bad attitude, let me say something. I have had a bad attitude. I've been a negative Nelly before. I'm not perfect, no one is. 

So we where discussing my recent Psoriatic Arthritis diagnosis and I was telling him how I am in pain. He said he hopes I get better, and I say there is no cure. That's when he goes into tell me not to think that way, and I need to talk to people who have been healed. I had no idea how that would help, the people who where healed probably didn't have what I had. That's when tempers flew and we started getting bitchy at each other. 

But eventually we both cooled down and I got to explain my point. And that's really what this post is about. I want to share this with whoever, if any, read this blog. 

My heart, it will never be whole. I've come to accept that over the past 3 years. I'm okay with it. I know I, and my doctors, are doing everything we can to take great care of it. I know I have a few limitations, but I do live an almost normal (whatever normal is) life. 

My pain, it will probably never fully go away. I've accepted that, I'm okay with that. At this moment me and my doctors are working to manage it as best we can. And it's working. It's well managed. 

Accepting that I'll never be healed, that doesn't mean I have a bad attitude. Accepting it has helped me live a normal life. I'm not waiting for a cure and constantly being disappointed. I accepted it, I am happy. I have a great life. If a cure ever does come, well then I'll just be all the more happier. 

But right now, I am happy. I'm not waiting, I'm living, and accepting.