Wednesday, September 28, 2011

OHS: Pt.1: Getting Help.

I was 15 or 16 when I decided to stop taking my heart medication and going to the cardiologist. My cardiologist dropped me and that's when I realized I liked not having one. It was purely my decision, my mom didn't like it, but knew she had to let me do what I felt I needed.
In reality all I wanted was a healthy care free life.

I wanted to be normal. I thought if I stopped taking my pills, if I stopped it all maybe I would feel better about myself. Maybe I wouldn't hate myself anymore. I know now that was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

I was 18 when I moved out of my mom's house. Newly 18 at that. I moved the week of my birthday. At this point I had been off my pills for about a year and a half, almost 2 years. Hadn't seen a cardiologist in about 3 years. I was partying, living it up, being normal. Before the cardiologist dropped me she told us she saw something on my EKG and wanted more testing done. But then she dropped us (for missing an appointment which we couldn't get to because of snow). Then I decided never to go back.

I know I should have gone back to figure out what she saw. I never should have stopped everything. And to this day I still blame myself for what came next, but I'm not going to go into detail about that, maybe in another post sometime.
So Anyways, when I was 18 and on my own everything was finally catching up to me. Symptoms had been appearing, and getting worse those past 2 years, but now they where escalating and fast.

Heat was making sick. I remember at a family gathering where everyone was outside chopping wood, I stayed inside and played a computer game. I couldn't be out in the heat it hurt and made me so nauseous. I remember everyone saying things like "Jessi's faking" "She's playing it up" "She just doesn't want to help". And when it came time for dinner I felt bad for eating cause I didn't help. I didn't do anything to deserve it. I remember trying to walk around. Trying to chase the toddler I was baby sitting and it just hurt to bad. My heart would pound, I got out of breath and I got the worst headache. I had to sit down for at least 10 minutes to even start to feel better.
When it got to the point I could no longer walk room to room without this happening that's when I knew something was really wrong. I knew pretending I was normal and okay just wasn't going to work anymore. As much as I hated it, I had face who I was.
I needed to find a cardiologist and get help again.

1 comment:

  1. it really breaks my heart that you and everyone else can't have a healthy heart, but I know the things we go through make us a better person. I look forward to your posts and learning more about you along the way, and I know you are helping other people who are going through the same thing.