Decisions, Decisions.

I want to write, I need to write. I'm just never sure what to write. But I'll just write and see what comes out.

I finally moved out of Idaho! And I'm super happy where I am, but I honestly think getting everything switched over might just be the death of me. Plus with all the moving, and having a 2 story apartment, my pain is worse then usual. But I'm in Utah, and I'm near friends so its nice. 

I think most of you who read this either follow my fan page, or are personally friends with me. But if you aren't there's some news. I dropped my rheumatologist because she just seemed, not the brightest in the box I guess you could say. I was getting super sick on the chemo and I called her asking if she could give me nausea meds. The chemo was helping, I was just so sick and miserable. She said no. She dropped my dose. Which of course meant the pain came back. The lower dose just didn't help. But I still got sick, and it was killing my immune system. I just kept getting infection after infection (respiratory, sinus, so on). I just couldn't get better on the meds. So I called her and told her I stopped them. They were making me sick and I wanted to try something else. She told me "The meds aren't making you sick, its just a coincidence" she wanted me back on them. So I thought about it for a day and decided no. So I told them I wouldn't be seeing her again.

Thankfully I found a new rheumatologist who came highly recommended, who is actually in the town I moved to! I found him online, and I asked a friend about him. Apparently her friend use to work with him and says he's amazing! I found myself a new primary here also, and when I mentioned I was going to a new rheumatologist in October, someone over at the budge clinic, he immediately asked "Dr. Walker?" and when I said yes, he said how amazing he was. So I'm super stoked to meet this Dr. Walker. It sounds like I found the right doctor!

But I've been thinking. I've been thinking a lot about what I want and don't want and I've decided that I'm going to tell him I refuse to do the chemo again. It just makes me so miserable. I feel worse on it, then I do off of it. I understand it helps slow the progression of the disease, but I just don't think I can take it anymore. I'm hoping he will have other suggestions on things we might be able to try, but I understand I'm complicated. It wouldn't surprise me if he said there was nothing else. I know a lot of the meds taken for autoimmune arthritis you cant take if you've been treated for heart failure. Which I have.

I'm really hoping he can help me, but I'd honestly understand if he couldn't. I just hope that if he cant, he can recommend someone for pain management. I hope no one thinks I sound like a drug seeker. But I hurt, and I don't want to keep hurting so much.