Wednesday, February 29, 2012

When you miss something you shouldn't

It felt like home I guess you could say. Something that was there, constantly. A comfort.
All my life I had a heart murmur. I had my own stethoscope and I loved listening to my heart. I loved hearing my mumur. I knew exactly where to put the stethoscope to hear it best.
When I went into heart failure (though at the time I didn't realize it was a heart failure) my heart got enlarged. It dilated and it was up against my breast bone. It made walking very painful, but I could just lightly lay my hand on my chest and feel my heart beating away.
Appearntly you shouldn't feel that.
After surgery my nurse realized you could no longer hear my murmur. She let my mom listen and then gave it to me to listen. (and I mean this was RIGHT after I woke up, I still couldnt see anything). I imediatly grabbed it out of her hand and moved it to the perfect spot where it was best heard. But it was gone. And in the moment, my world crumbled a little.
Eventually after being released and going home I realized I couldn't lay my hand on my chest and feel my heart anymore. I couldn't help but cry. Not only did I just have my chest cracked open, but two things that comforted me so much where taken away.
I know its best they are gone. They weren't good. I get it. But they where reminders, that I am alive. No matter how rough the day was, my heart is still beating. To hear that murmur, to feel my heart beat, it comforted me. It reminded me I'm still alive and kicking. My heart is seriously messed up, but yet, its still beating away. So no matter how bad and messed up the day was. I can carry on.
And now that's gone. So what do you do when you miss something you shouldn't?

1 comment:

  1. i think that's...NORMAL. it is who you were for as long as you can remember. it will take time to get used to the change, but knowing that that change is good will help. :) that old saying that time heals all wounds...perhaps it isn't always true, but i do think that time has the capability to at least challenge us to change our minds. about LOTS of things. :) xoxo jesser! :)