I've been told I need to talk about this. So I guess I will. And I guess this is the best place for me to do that. This blog really has turned into a diary.
Except it's public for you all to read.
Is that brave or just stupid? I don't know.
Either way, it's how I'm gonna role.
Being told I can't have a baby has been devastating. It's a loss, and I am allowed to grieve. And I will grieve, for however long I want to grieve. And I will do what it takes for me to grieve.
Let me just refresh everyone's memory. I have a heart defect. I'm a single ventricle, half a heart, whatever you want to call it. I was told I shouldn't have kids. It could kill me. It could kill the baby. So on. So I wont.
I decided a long time ago I actually wasn't going to try and have a biological child. Not because it could kill me. But because I have a higher chance of having a CHD baby. The chance of me dying doesn't bug me. But the chance of my baby having to go through what I'm going though, not going to happen. I wont do that to him or her.
I did try at one point though. I ended up miscarrying before I even knew for sure I was pregnant.
(click to read my letter to the baby)
I was trying for over a year and never got pregnant before or after that one time. So it just makes me realize the are right. My body can't handle this. It can't handle a pregnancy, and it wont.
To realize when your only 21, that your body is failing you, and you wont achieve your biggest dream is hard. I've been made to feel I am grieving wrong. Or to long.
Yes I know I actually choose to give up trying. But it's still a loss, and I'm still allowed to grieve. Because every time I go to the cardiologist and they tell me once again, nope you can't have babies, it hurts. It hits me and it starts over again.
I don't know what the "right" way to grieve is. I'm sure there isn't one. But I'm trying to figure it out. I'm trying to get over it. It's just going to take some time. And I need everyone to be patient with me. Let me grieve.
Except it's public for you all to read.
Is that brave or just stupid? I don't know.
Either way, it's how I'm gonna role.
Being told I can't have a baby has been devastating. It's a loss, and I am allowed to grieve. And I will grieve, for however long I want to grieve. And I will do what it takes for me to grieve.
Let me just refresh everyone's memory. I have a heart defect. I'm a single ventricle, half a heart, whatever you want to call it. I was told I shouldn't have kids. It could kill me. It could kill the baby. So on. So I wont.
I decided a long time ago I actually wasn't going to try and have a biological child. Not because it could kill me. But because I have a higher chance of having a CHD baby. The chance of me dying doesn't bug me. But the chance of my baby having to go through what I'm going though, not going to happen. I wont do that to him or her.
I did try at one point though. I ended up miscarrying before I even knew for sure I was pregnant.
(click to read my letter to the baby)
I was trying for over a year and never got pregnant before or after that one time. So it just makes me realize the are right. My body can't handle this. It can't handle a pregnancy, and it wont.
To realize when your only 21, that your body is failing you, and you wont achieve your biggest dream is hard. I've been made to feel I am grieving wrong. Or to long.
Yes I know I actually choose to give up trying. But it's still a loss, and I'm still allowed to grieve. Because every time I go to the cardiologist and they tell me once again, nope you can't have babies, it hurts. It hits me and it starts over again.
I don't know what the "right" way to grieve is. I'm sure there isn't one. But I'm trying to figure it out. I'm trying to get over it. It's just going to take some time. And I need everyone to be patient with me. Let me grieve.
Because I've wanted to be a mommy from the first time I picked up a doll.
i know about grieving...for different reasons...but in some ways grief is grief. you are right, you DO need to grieve, because it IS a loss. :(
ReplyDeletei have truly come to believe in that old phrase time heals all wounds. :) it can't be rushed or bought, it simply takes time.
time to process. time to think. time to heal. time to let go. we have to live it. every moment.
but after this time has passed, there is a new time to plan. a new time to hope. a new time to accept a different path. :)
i hope that your heart will perhaps seek out new horizons, when you are ready. :) i'll be here for you! :)
oh by the way, BLOGGING IS CATHARTIC. it is a wonderful way to work things out. putting it into words is healing. my blog was my sanity during my worst times with q...i believe in blogging!
and real and raw blogs are always my faves. the persons who are brave enough to share their hurts, their sorrows, their pain, their path. those are always the best blogs. :)
xoxo love you lots lady! :)
allie :)