Down on my knees, I thought I was stronger.

You know I'm not quite sure what this post is about, I just know I need to write. So here it goes I guess.
All my life all I've ever wanted was to be normal. And yesterday I got the reality check that said, "haha never gonna happen!"

I have an infection inside my belly button. It's been there for a few months, but I finally decided to get it looked at. Because I've been tired and had swollen joints and a rashed showed up they decided to test for endocarditis and call my cardiologist. And this is where it gets fun. All the labs and everyting point to it NOT being endocarditis. But my cardiologist decided to voice concerns about the way I'm living my life.

Let me just say something right off the bat. I've had a doctor and a nurse both look at the infection in my belly button and tell me it has nothing to do with the piercing and that the piercing is clean and not infected. Sure I have tattoos and piercings, and sure, maybe they arn't the best idea for a CHDer. But my tattoos and piercings have NEVER gotten infected. Because I know how to keep them clean. And let me say something else. I've never gotten an STD before either. Because I'm NOT STUPID! Yet here my doctor is calling me an idiot because of some of the choices I've made. And what hurt worse? He called me an idiot for some of the things I ALREADY regret. If I could take certain things back, I would, but I can't. As much as I'd like to, I CANT! I've been working with a therapist for months now. He's helping me understand that some of these decisions are because of the borderline personality disorder (BPD). He's helping me with knew medication and counsling me on how to get my life back on track. And I am trying my hardest!

Which brings me to another point that I feel I need to talk about. More for my own comfort. I need to get it out. I've been on "happy pills" for a few months now and things have been going well. Until recently, the depression is back. I've been so depressed, I've hurt so bad that I've wanted to break something. I want to break something just so something will hurt as bad as I do! I wont deny it, I've thought of hurting myself too. Of falling back on something I use to do years ago. Falling back on a horrible habit I'm ashamed of, a habit I never want to go back to. But at times like this, its the only thing that seems logical. Because I hurt so bad, I need a reason to hurt. I've tried everything to distract myself and nothing seems to help. Coloring is the one thing I can focus on for longer then 5 minutes. But at times it doesnt last. My newphew is one of the only things that can make me smile. But when he's gone, these feelings come back. I took him sledding for the first time today, and it was fun. But as soon as I came home, I wanted to cry. I thought I was stronger then this. I thought I was better. I sit here, and I have an IV in for antibiotics. I have two more rounds and all I can think about is how much I want to pull it out, crawl into bed and hide. All I want is to be done. Is to not to have to do this, any of this anymore. To be free. To be normal.